Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Kate Middleton

Monday, 30 April 2007

image for Kate Middleton: the day I found out I'd never be Queen
NEVER the Queen, never on the postage stamps, never on the banknotes...

London - (Ass Mess): Kate Middleton has confided in her close-nit (sic) circle of friends that it was well over a year ago that Buckingham Palace courtiers told her that she would never be Queen.

The whistful-looking 25 year old wannabe somebody said she was informed that regardless of what the press was saying and notwithstanding any daft sucking up to the Puppet Monarchy by UK Prime Monster Tony Blair there would never be a hope in hell's chance of her becoming Queen because "as soon as Old Fatty Mountbatten pops her clogs that whole lot's going to HMP Belmarsh on treason charges."

Kate's friends were astonished to learn that her so-called boyfriend is really George Bush's little bastard and that is real mother, Heather Mills, has blackmailed every UK Prime Mobster since Margaret Thatcher after her brat was implanted into Kensington Palace as a bona fide little Mountbatten progeny.

"But we carried on for appearances' sake, Wills and I, even though I also knew he was screwing every squaddie and Palace rent boy within a ten mile radius of the barracks," Kate sobbed.

"And gradually it got to the point where no amount of pleading or begging made sense any more and I just knew it was over, over, over."

Middleton's pals now say that despite her press silence she has not ruled out a lavish $10 million movie deal in the US about her luckless romance which she would be ready to sign "just as soon as Old Jemima Puddleduck - (her nickname for Queen ELizabeth II) - kicks the bucket."

Her lawyers have drafted a suggested contract that would see Kate star in a bio pic about her life after Hollywood sources indicated that Will Ferrell is 'ready and waiting' to take on the role of Prince William "any time that Kate says Yes to the movie deal".

Camilla is 69.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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