The Queen has finally broken her silence over the part she played in the recent break-up of the relationship between William and Kate Middleton.
Tabloid newspapers have speculated that Mrs. Middleton's use of the word 'toilet' and her habit of chewing gum were offensive to the Queen.
In an interview with favoured royal reporter Nicholas Witchell, Her Majesty said, "One was under the impression that the Middletons were a better class of commoner and as such would have sufficient breeding to ask for the lavatory. One could just about have tolerated 'khasi' or 'bog', but the word 'toilet' is simply too vulgar for words."
When questioned about Mrs. Middleton's gum-chewing habit the Queen replied, "Gum chewing per se is acceptable - Philip does it all the time - but not when the corgis are around. Philip has a rather unpleasant habit of spitting out the gum when he's finished with it and one has lost count of the number of times one has had to ask Charles to remove the stuff from the corgis' fur. The thought of one's corgis' fur being contaminated by a piece of gum that's been chewed by a commoner is simply abhorrent."
William was unavailable for comment but Harry said, "Who cares what her old lady's like? Kate's a hot bit of totty and I wouldn't mind giving her one myself. I think she secretly preferred me to Wills anyway."