Kent - (Ass Mess): Large parts of coastal South East Britain were put on Tsunami alert after an earthquake struck Kent at breakfast time this morning.
The epicenter of the 5.0 magnitude tremor was located 12km south of Dover out in the Dover Straits in the English Channel.
Worried residents too lazy to get up at a sensible time such as 7am spoke of their terror as everything began to shake at about 8.15 this morning:
A Mr Smith who lives in Dover, said: "It was about 8.15 when suddenly the bed shook violently.
"Hallo! I said to myself, what could this be?
"Maybe it's the wife's vibrator, or she's suddenly got er.... cramp or a seizure or something.
"But then I saw the curtains were moving and the house was shaking. And when I looked outside the whole earth was moving.
"It lasted about 1.5 seconds," Mrs Smith said later, "that's about the usual time for round about here."
"All the power's gone off and there's a strange smell about the place, the sort you usually get when some VIP or politician is coming down for a televised visit."
Meanwhile in London seismologists at the Ministry of Defence immediately identified the tremor as emanating from the site of a sunken Russian nuclear submarine, the Balalaika, which Boris Yeltsin had attempted to use to nuke the UK in January 1995 before the Royal Navy intercepted and downed the offending beastie.
The Balalaika is known to have sunk into the Channel's five mile deep quicksand preventing any form of rescue effort.
Today's tremor was met with a quick response from the Environment Agency. With the Spring tides already high and a full moon due on Tuesday the Thames Barrier was raised by yet another sixty feet and South Coast residents issued with sandbags stuffed with material meant for landfill sites.
"There could be aftershocks," an official statement said.