London - (Ass Mess): Royal ex-girlfriend Kate Middleton has told friends that the real reason behind her break-up with William was the horror of finding out that his family are merely a Puppet Monarchy controlled by the Bushes and funded by baksheesh backhanders from British Aerospace kickbacks received from the Saudi royal family.
"When I first met them it was like a Muppets freakshow," Kate said last week.
"They're all mostly on Prozac or anti-psychotics are are electronically tagged to monitors inside the US embassy in Grosvenor Square which snoops in on their every thought, word and deed.
"The one supposed to be the Queen has two kids with George Bush Senior. Their photos are next to her bed in Windsor Castle. When she showed them to me I nearly freaked out. It's the Yorkshire Ripper and Gerry Adams. Imagine!
"And then that old pervy one that's always dressing up playing soldiers, Prince Philip.
"He's Blair's real dad and a three-times bankrupt who was caught cottaging with Edward Heath before he became PM. I mean, hello? What have we here?
"When we sat down to tea the footmen kept pushing little pink sweeties on me saying 'These will make you feel great'. But I saw the word 'Valium' stamped on them and managed to slip one to the corgis.
"Don't know what happened to it because it just played dead for the next two hours.
"And then Camilla came in, effing and blinding that she'd lost her implanted vagina that surgeons had sown on during the sex change in 1992.
"I didn't know what to say when she began stroking my thigh and asking if I wanted to stay the night.
"But the final straw was when Charles swanned in dressed in a kilt and told me I'd have to take a lie detector test before any wedding in case the Daily Mirror was paying ME to get married to George Bush Junior's son - as played by Wills.
"I mean, I nearly puked there and then.
"They're all nuts I tell you. Completely nuts.
"And what's worse everybody knows about this weird puppet monarchy business: The UN, NATO, the Pope, all the world's politicians and heads of state, GMTV, the BBC, all the newspapers and of course the Blairs.
"I mean, just what kind of sickos are we talking about here?
"You think I want to get hitched to that bunch of wackos? You do? Me? Hahahahaha."