London - (Ass mess): The Pretender to the Throne's gingernut son Harry has threatened to join Al Qaeda if he is stopped from going to Iraq because of the offside rule that says he would be a massive liability to the rest of his platoon chums.
Harry is adamant that nobody will prevent him bolstering his PR ratings as a gung-ho real-life macho soldier out to earn his spurs and glory for England.
But Ministry of Defence top brass say that the extra costs of taking his private team of six diplomatic protection squad officers, five personal butlers, four footmen, three chauffeurs, three valets, two personal shoppers, five cleaning ladies, six gardeners, eight hookers, three masseuses, four private secretaries, two lifestyle gurus, three colonic irrigation practitioners, two dog walkers, four dope dealers and live-in tarot reader - might not be a cost-effective measure for the tax payer to shoulder.
"Besides," said a MoD spokesman, "none of Saddam's palaces has yet been refurbished to a sufficient standard for the royal princelet to move into.
"We might just continue to fob him off for a while until he's ready to take up a reality TV offer as a stocking-filler."