Written by Le Captain
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Thursday, 26 April 2007

image for Gordon Brown to Become English
Made in Scotland, from girders

In what some would say is a desperate attempt to boost plummeting poll figures and approval ratings across the board, a frankly shell shocked spokesman representing a new grouping of Brownite Labour MP's has announced that The Chancellor and Prime Minister in waiting is to "become English".

A series of FOCUS GROUP meetings held in recent weeks has identified that Mr. Brown is seen as dour, parsimonious, distant, somewhat arrogant and "too Scottish".

"We have asked two of the leading lights in Tony Blair's campaign in the 1990's to step into the breach and get things on track before the next election" said Mr. Barry Vague, MP for West Muncaster and Party Spokesman on Various Affairs.

At a GLITZY press conference in a Park Lane hotel on Wednesday evening, Peter Mandelson, dressed in a glazed cotton Dolce e Mastriano mauve two piece, announced "it's great to be back with a job to do. Gordon has some really great qualities despite everything and has generally done a wonderful job in recent years. However Al and I have come in to get it all sorted. The worsted suits are out for one."

Mr Mandelson's former "partner in crime" Alistair Campbell reiterated a running theme in the formal statement issued prior to the conference: "The bastard has always been a miserable TWAT and we all knew back then he would never get in over TONE, what with the FUGGIN porridge stains and IRN BRU at meetings. He WUZ just TOO JOCK!" exhorted Mr Campbell, standing on the table in a stained Burnley strip, finger-jabbing in the old style at various whimpering scared journalists.

"I shall be running the CAMPAIGN from my new base in Brussels in the Rue des Matelots and Al will be KICKING ARSES in Westminster", said Mr Mandelson, brushing fluff from his sleeves.

A trawl through the document reveals that it is not only changes in public perception which are being targeted by the duo. Over a three week period this Summer, Mr Broon will be ensconced in a private facility in Oxfordshire and run through an intense series of psychological behavioural therapy sessions, ECT, polo lessons, 4 plastic surgery operations, hair design workshops, crumpet eating, "elocution manipulation" and face buffing. His nights will not free him from his "Anglicisation" either. A series of audio recordings will be played during his slumbers, consisting of recordings of T. Blair speaking his finest Estuary English, episodes of Eastenders, Elgar tunes and recordings of David Beckham reciting "Jerusalem". Mealtimes will see a Pavlovian twist, where steaming bowls of fried haggis and neeps served with accompanying bagpipe music are likely to end in electric shocks and recorded machine gun fire before provision of little cucumber sandwiches and whale song.

"If I can provide an analogy as to what we are about here" breathed Mr Mandelson to a shocked throng of HACKS, "My fluffy white cat here, Mme Faniche, used to be a mongrel on the streets of Paris. We changed him and empowered. Now she is the loveliest thing in the world don't you think? Hmm? That's what we must do is it not Al? Change and empowerment."

"Too FUGGIN RIGHT Mandy."

(the session was ended when Mr Campbell brought down two Daily Mail journos with a hideous two footed tackle from behind and a series of rabbit punches).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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