Written by bunny
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Topics: Charles Kennedy

Thursday, 22 January 2004

Lib Dem. Leader Charles Kennedy announces his parties plans to legalise dope if elected.

Kennedy drawing heavily on a two foot doobie rasped: "Yeah well, like man, we, well you know, we decided to legalise….yeah dope cos well Tony's gone for this half baked idea of downgrading which means absolutely nothing like, I mean you'll still get the stuff taken off you by the old bill like.

"I mean they could still arrest you if they wanted to like, yeah so what with that and the Tories saying they'll put it back up to class B. We thought hey we could really rack up so votes yeah, I mean is totally wicked isn't it, y'know think of all the kids like they'll all be voting for us now yeah."

Kennedy, much to Menzies Campbell's disgust, drained the joint before continuing " Seriously gun crime is on the up, and dope is more popular than ever, that ain't just coincidence like is it? I mean who carries the guns in this country? Who deals the dope? Yeah, y'see is obvious isn't it there's gotta be a link right. So if we were to make dope legal like don't you think gun crime might well y'know might start to fall again yeah.."

Campbell lighting up a four foot spliff added "I mean this shit is well its not gonna get you the way booze does is it, you don't see canned up dudes bottling each other like do you, I mean do you think Prescott had been at the ganga when he lamped that geezer, na course not he'd been knocking back the scotch hadn't he."

A spokesman later added "Its not just about winning votes, its about common sense, cannabis is not a killer, it's a relaxant. Its helped thousands of people ease their arthritis. It gets student through University, if they weren't so canned many more of them would realise the pointlessness of a modern degree and quit, uni that is, well the dope too, after all its not that addictive, less so than Alcohol or ciggies. So you see we're promising a sensible approach to the drugs debate, rather than the out of date rhetoric coming from the Tories and the shameless confusion Mr Blair has caused, so you see its about more than just votes isn't it?" before returning to adding a eighth to the newsletters for posting the next day.

The arrival of a large Cadbury's delivery van just now would seem to suggest that the Lib Dems are serious about this policy. With that in mind this reporter is off to score an ounce or two from a local LIb Dem councillor.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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