Written by Captain Dopey
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Topics: Trains, Scunthorpe

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

image for Orient Express? That'll Do Nicely.....
The Orient Express

Great North Eastern Railways PLC have unveiled the latest addition to their services - 'The Scunthorpe To Vladivostok Orient Express'.

The train service will run monthly excursions to Vladivostok in the former Soviet Union, and is part of GNER's 'See The World And Go Bankrupt' initiative.

Managing Director of the subsidiary Railtrack Grasps, Lord Lucas Swindles said: "Viewers now have a choice - on BBC1 we have snooker from London, or... Pardon? Oh, I see, er... Our customers can now experience the trip of a lifetime on the revamped Orient Express. This mighty thunderer of a locomotive - made entirely from recycled Ford Model T parts - harks back to a golden age of transport, when Steam Was King. Our paying clients are entitled to first-class service, including authenticity, so we have included a carton of genuine 1875 steam and some bolts with every reservation".

GNER have a somewhat chequered history when it comes to long-haul journeys. Their 'Neptune Ahoy!' theme service to the giant of the solar system was a disappointment, and resulted in a curtailing of new ventures, including the mooted 'Black Hole Event Horizon Experience'. The 2006 Moonbase Alpha disaster - which resulted in the sacking of head of finance Sir Al Capone - further weakened the company's profile.

The Scunthorpe/Vladivostok project may go some way to rectifying the situation. Head of Passenger Services, Earl Memphis Floorboards explains: "A combination of chance events, snow on the tracks and rabid insider dealing meant we had to abandon some of our more ambitious plans. Personally, I was all for going ahead with the 'Fun With Supernebulae' idea, but we'll just have to wait and see".
Earl Floorboards leaves a wife and three life sentences for fraud.

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