London - (Ass Mess): It was over before it ever began. And now friends of Kate Middleton have told press reporters of her shock and upset when her first kiss with William turned into a macabre nightmare of Grimm Brothers proportions.
"Kate thought she was kissing a Prince of the royal blood, an eligible hetero bachelor with an awesome lineage.
"But as soon as his amphibian tongue was down her larynx that first time she realised something was horribly wrong.
"When she pulled away from his awkward embrace a tell-tale look in his Hellfire Club eyes sparked a big question mark in her mind.
"In a moment of blind panic she blurted out: are you really William, second in line to the Throne? Or are you having me on about your real Mum and Dad?
"For a moment a flicker of hesitation crossed Wills's face as he fought off the opportunity to finally tell all.
"But the moment passed and he said nothing. A smile on his lips was the best he could manage.
"Deep inside her Kate knew it was all wrong. Yet torment and indecision went hand-in-hand as she struggled to decide what was best for her future.
"It wasn't until Sandhurst and his passing out parade when she learned that a furious Heather Mills had been refused an invite to the day's ceremonies that things finally twigged.
"Then at Christmas at the family's Scottish baronial holiday let the stories all gelled.
"This was no blue-blood prince of the realm but a cuckoo impostor bred to order and spawned from the loins of George W Bush and Heather Mills.
"After that the lawyers' advice was unequivocal: Get Out As Quick As You Possibly Can. This One Will Self Destruct When Blair Leaves Orifice.
"Didn't anybody wonder why there was no humunguous bouquet of flowers on her birthday? No kissogram a her doorstep, no birthday cake delivery?
"We pity any next girl he might try it on with."
Chelsy Davy is 21.