London - (Unrequited Press): Her friends have always known what everyone else is only now realising: a multi-orgasmic woman has her needs.
"Going one-to-one steady is a big committment," Zadie Crotchpacker told the press today.
"You gotta stay focused on the vagus nerve.
"One puny climax every Friday night? It might be OK for some... maybe not that many.
"But for high-maintenance girls with big, horny needs it's a heartbreak clitorectomy.
"Sure the bling factor can be an attraction. Never underestimate the allure of rocks.
"My flatmate Kirsty always orgasms in Tiffany's. Kate might too, but who's lighting the touchpaper?
"She'd be much better off with a big hunky fiend: ten inch dick and a proper pint-glass tongue.
"And no dodgy tartan-wearing Hellfire Club in-laws or hellhole hols in that damp family pile at Balmoral.
"Bagpipes and haggis? Kiss of death to the randy.
"A girl's gotta have what a girl's gotta have. And that don't include Tossing the Caber."