Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 16 April 2007

image for British Grand Prix News
Sharmaynnne having a fag after her win

There was an exciting two days of Grand Prix racing in Dudley this weekend, with competitors from all over the Black Country challenging for two world titles.

Saturday saw the British Disability Grand Prix, with more than 100,000 entrants "driving" a variety of contraptions, ranging from wheelchairs (both manual and powered), motorsied scooters and other Spaz Chariots, to bent, crooked and limping 'malforms' using walking sticks and frames to negotiate the tricky course around the Market Square.

With shoppers and able-bodied pedestrians acting as obstacles, it was an engaging race, with surprisingly few injuries and only 12 deaths.

The winner of the 38-lap sprint was Albert Cripple, the 73-year-old driver whose vehicle was nothing more than a small-wheeled metal frame with a plastic sheet over it.

His time of 7 hours 48 minutes was made even more remarkable when one takes into account the time he spent in Dudley Police Station in connection with two separate road rage incidents, one of them a fatality.

Dudley is the disabled capital of Great Britain, and there are more disabled vehicles per square mile there than anywhere else on the planet.

On Sunday, it was the turn of the area's single mums as thousands of pushchair-wielding Chavettes descended on the town. Clad in tatty white tracksuits, with their hair tied back as tightly as a human could manage, they charged around the track chomping on raw tobacco, turning the air blue with obscenities straight out of Hell's mouth.

Aftre a melee involving about 150 mums, 90 were arrested for 'ugliness', and 43 for 'posturing', before an eventual winner was declared.

Seventeen-year-old mother-of-eight Sharmaynnne Docker, weighing about half a ton, romped home stoned about bedtime, covered in blood and sick. She took the coveted first prize - a £15 Argos gift voucher - and sneered at observers, saying:

"Me bloke's called Wayne! 'Eez f*cking gorgeous!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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