Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: british, Priest

Sunday, 18 January 2004

The family of a British teenager who sent their son to take lessons from the former drummer of the rock band Judas Priest, has alleged sexual assault.

" We wanted to build his self esteem and we figured what better way to do that than to send him to take lessons from on old, decrepit git from a washed up heavy metal band." explained the un-named boys father, " I mean, Reggie Kray would have been our first choice to help build the lads confidence, but of course he's still in gaol, so really, what were our choices?"

David Holland, 55 years old now and looking a bit like an overweight news vendor, has denied all the charges.

The father of the boy stated that after visiting Mr. Holland the boy would return home, "very disturbed, really aggressive and mixed up." Mr. Holland responded to that charge by saying, " What the fuck did they expect? You send your fucking kid to a fucking member of fucking Judas fucking Priest to fucking build up his fucking self esteem. How fucking stupid is that? What the fuck did he think he was fucking doing? Did he fucking think I was Deepak fucking Chopra? Of course the little fucking bugger was going to become fucking disturbed. That's the fucking point. isn't it?"

On the up side, the boys father said that after about the last visit the boy made to Mr. Holland's house he started bathing daily. " And he hates baths," said the father. " So that was alright. Christ, the little bastard could get really rank smelling sometimes."

In a related charge, the boys parents were also arrested on the charge of being completely stupid.

Approved by Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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