Hype Park, London - (Ass Mess): The waters of the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain developed bleeding stigmata today after Heather Mills emerged as the culprit behind Kate Middleton's dumping of William.
As the Fountain suddenly filled with blood the blame game knives came out en masse at Buckingham Palace confirming a massive Mills deception twenty years ago as the root of William's dilemma.
Palace sources have always known of course that UK Prime Monster Margaret Thatcher implanted Mills's bastard George W Bush lovechild after Prince William's tragic 'accident' with a diplomatic police protection officer's handgun in 1985.
The weapon tragically went off at Kensington Palace, killing the four year old tot.
And Cherry Bush QC's shyster lawyer pal Fiona Shackleton made all the necessary arrangements ensuring nobody ever squealed about this convenient swap that saw the doppleganger cuckoo raised in the House of Mountbatten.
But Heather's recent brutal divorce from Paul McCartney saw the leaking of her doppelganger son's ID to Kate Middletgon's lawyers, who advised their client to run a mile.
"He'll never be King," they told Ms Middleton. "And if you knowingly marry a gay man with the intention of heterosexualising him through matrimony, you'll be doomed to the nuthouse like Princess Diana."
Camilla Parker Bowles is 69.