Clarence House - (Rotters): Prince Harry has been given a stark warning by girlfriend Chelsy Davey: shape up or you're next to be dumped.
Harry has been holidaying with the peroxide Zimbabwean slapper in Barbados ahead of his fifteen month tour of duty in Baghdad where he will be drinking for the UK with the Death Watch Beetle Regiment in a bid to bring western Democracy to the heathen Iraqi masses.
The three week Carribean break is supposed to be a sweetener to keep Chelsy celibate during the long Baghdad posting which Harry has been told will be continuous with no exeats or visitors.
And while Chelsy initially swore blind she would wait for him, keeping herself pure during his absence, most of Harry's pals have told him starkly that there is a fat chance of that ever happening.
Meanwhile at Birkhall, Scotland things are looking grim for Charles and Camilla who have tried paying off several pals of Kate Middleton that are offering to sell their own kiss 'n' tells to UK tabloids about William being dumped because he is gay.
The current going rate for that particular newsline is £25,000 with verifiable photographs adding another £10,000.