Unilever has recalled millions of refrigerator-friendly plastic food wrap bags in a shock announcement likely to cause pandemonium in the health and safety industry. A spokesman for the giant company, which makes everything in the world including the air we breathe, announced that safety warnings had been left off the products.
"Unilever take great pride in their policy that safe is best", said the spokesman "Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond our control, it appears that the words 'Do not put your head inside this bag' were omitted from these products. While we are confident that most consumers are unlikely to stick a plastic bag over their head, it is just possible that some might. We have therefore decided to recall the entire batch".
Health and safety experts have rushed to East Anglia, to quell what is expected to be a groundswell of accidents among the local population as a result of the lack of a warning label. "They're thick as pigshit there", one told us.
Readers who have friends and relatives in that part of the country are urged to ring them and give them the advice by phone.
A mother in Derby said "I don't know what the world's coming to when multi billion corporations more interested in making money than caring for people ignore basic health standards. While I know that you shouldn't put your head in a plastic bag, there are many people in Ipswich who might not."
We interviewed an eerie man in a lonely path in Suffolk who looked like he was on his way to kill a prostitute. Putting down his knife, he told us that he had bought some plastic bags to store severed heads in his refrigerator and had noticed that they did not carry the usual warning. He added that he was just about to put the bag over his own head when he remembered what he had learned in school and he quickly scribbled a warning on it. We pointed out that plastic bags were not supposed to contain heads of any description, whether belonging to the customer who bought them or anyone else, but he pointed out that the usual label only warned about not putting your own head in one.
Not everyone we spoke to was this quick-thinking. In Bury St Edmunds, the local hospital has opened a new ward for victims of self asphyxiation. One patient admitted to us that when he placed a plastic bag over his head, he had forgotten to remove its contents first, as a result of which his face now permanently smelt of raw fish. Even the Bernard Matthews Turkey Factory has had to close temporarily as most of their workers stopped playing baseball with live turkeys and began wearing plastic bags over their faces.
We spoke to a forensic scientist who said that death by asphyxiation was nasty and painful. "Hardly a bootiful experience".