London - (Ass Mess): Kate Middleton has spoken for the first time since signing an exclusive £500,000 kiss-and-tell about the loneliness of the last two years.
"Before I got this wacking great big cheque from The Daily Fascist I had to rely on royal hand-me-downs.
"Friday nights at Boojis always depended on Wills making a phone call to Buck House for an emergency £250 petty cash sub.
"And all my clothes came from cheapo Oxford Street hellholes run by mafia gangsters like Philip Green.
"My little Nissan Micra was a second hand repo bought at a bailiffs' auction in Tooting.
"Even my tacky job buying pointless women's accessories for Primark was a grace-and-favor stunt.
"You have to understand that as a woman, I have my needs.
"And those include bling, bling and more bling.
"Lavish all-expenses paid holidays every month. Expense account shopping in Knightsbridge. Automatic credit card bill clearance. And no questions asked.
"Oh, and the occasional orgasm on a Saturday knight.
"Right now I'm just enjoying being single again. But this could change.
Next week Kate is off to California amid rumors of an exclusive Hollywood bio-pic deal which could net her $$$$$.
And William? He's saying nothing as yet about the blonde six foot eight squaddie called Mavis who has captured his heart and maybe his testicles.
Camilla is livid.