Pratts Bottom Barracks - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): In what hystery will come to remember as the Hellfire Club's Curse of Friday the 13th, the Pretender to the Throne's elder son William has announced he has dumped girlfriend Kate Middleton and shacked up with a hirsute, blonde, body-building, nineteen year old six foot eight squaddie nicknamed Mavis.
Long standing rumors have persisted that Wills had become tired of all the heterosexual pretence of the last two years.
Now sources close to the barracks' Mess Room said today that "William's feeling he is too gay to get married at the moment.
"And Ms Middleton clearly got tired of being the country's top fag-hag in waiting, despite extensive Clarence training and colonic irrigation therapies inherited from the late Princess Diana."
The announcement came this morning after a press blackout on the 13th of April which the Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce Cannon said Buckingham Palace had demanded.
UK press sources have noted that under new legislation William is technically free to marry whoever he likes and there is no royal precedent banning a civil partnership with another man who could in theory at least become queen-in-waiting one day.