It's official: Philately will get you nowhere - at least as far as members of the opposite sex are concerned...
A report out today from the British Stamp Collecting Federation confirmed that most fit women are simply not impressed by their members, who are 100% male. A survey, conducted by LazyJournos Ltd, grilled about 20 women on their attitude to philatalists - and the findings do not make pleasant reading.
Penelope Black, the report's author, explained: "Only 5% of women had knowingly slept with a philatelist and only one woman from our sample admitted using a postal accessory as a regular part of her lovemaking routine. Most also said they were more likely to go to bars to meet new men, rather than stamp collecting clubs."
A spokesman for the British federation, was depressed by the findings: "This is clearly a blow to stamp collectors all over Britain. Most of our members are single men but come to the clubs each week hoping to meet new female friends. They may now be tempted to get a life, which could seriously effect our membership. On a more positive note, though, we have had a lot of enquiries about the young lady with the stamp fetish."
Dr Sofia Lush, a fully qualified sexologist, added her two-penny ruby's worth: "I think there are some highly erotic connotations to the licking and pressing of stamps on to envelopes. A bit like - er - licking and pressing other stuff. Unfortunately, though, few philatelists can transfer their passion for stamps to passion in the bedroom, etc, etc...."
However, The Spoof can exclusively reveal that top model Jordan admitted she would not rule out a fling with some stamp obsessed male totty in the future - "I'd give anyfing a try once..." she said, "...bondage, felatio, philately, you name it luv!"
The Post Office would not comment on the report, but did state that the price of standard class post would rise by 1 pence next month.