Written by bunny
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Friday, 16 January 2004

Ministers are reportedly considering making timetabling interactive in an attempt to improve train punctuality. A Downing Street source, who wishes to remain anonymous, spoke briefly with this reporter before returning to his application for a lordship.

"The Prime Minister is considering this option alongside other possible improvements to scheduling, the long term aim is obviously to improve punctuality, and whilst we haven't ruled out shortening the distance between stations, or slowing down time, interactivity could prove a successful approach". He said, writing under title applied for, Lord Campbell.

The cabinet office has strenuously denied that this is little more than an attempt to create a short fix, a spokesman stated "It would be wholly inappropriate to suggest that this is a short term fix, it could prove to be vote winner for years to come. Adding a couple of minutes to journey times, now that would be a short term fix, no-one, not even the British commuter is that stupid" as he authorised another 20% increase in peak time fares.

The proposals would mean customers being able to view real time information displays, telling them when a train was due to arrive, and how late it was running. Under the current system of guess work information displays often bare not relation to actual train journeys.

Whilst industry experts have welcomed the idea as a possible way forward, Dr James Meagdon of the URTI (Union for Real time Imps) was concerned that the interests of his members had been overlooked "We'll all be out of work if this new system comes on line, and its not as if we do a bad job" he complained as he spun three dials, altering the display to read "07.27 London Waterloo 07.57" "We have been rather militant in the past but its not as if our strikes have made any difference to the network, no-one even noticed when we started making up the expected arrival times, and when we refuse to work it does the TOC's a favour, people don't realise their train is running two years late that way."

The Stupid Rail Authority and Notwork Rail are believed to be fully supportive of the scheme, although a leaked memo from Notwork Rail's board pointed out that if cost were going to be an issue the contract should be handed to Jarvis "as they're bound to screw the whole thing up and it'll be years before we can sort it out".

The Deputy Prime Minister, having been shoe horned out of his office, told the waiting media "Thanks to the mess left by the last government, and their creation of two utterly incompetent quangos in the SRA and Notwork Rail, we are left with a Train network in disarray. What kind of idiot re-nationalises an already inefficient self serving bunch of arse like Railtrack? I mean seriously did they really think it would make things better, We've thrown £4 billion at the railways and just because those stupid Tories got it all wrong it looks like we're incompetent" Mr Prescott was interrupted by an aid at this point "Um, it seems someone called Byers may have caused most of the problems, bloody Blairite shit. Well anyway its still the Tories fault if they hadn't privatised in the first place, we wouldn't be scrapping the barrel for votes would we?"

A spokesman for the cabinet later denied Mr Prescott that had made any such remarks "The deputy PM thought Saddam's doubles we cool so he got himself a couple, it must have been one of them who gave this press conference, John doesn't get out a lot these days, ever since his double chin starting getting in the way when he walks."

According to an article by Piers Morgan editor of the Daily Mirror, Derrick Gadd (deceased) spoke to him in a dream saying "Oi! How'd he find two people ugly enough to be his doubles, I know I taught these people well but there's spin and then there's downright lies. No, actually, they're the same thing,. Ok I'm going back to bath with the Nymphs, enjoy your miserable life xenophobe"

Morgan denies being a xenophobe although the Nymphs could persuade him otherwise "Well I've always wanted to work at the Sun but the standard of news was to high for me, now it seems I can go ahead and die an ignorant but happy man."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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