Keith Richards was rushed to Glimmers Hospital in London after snorting his Dad. Doctors report that Keith is resting comfortably but had several complaints.
Primarily, he has forgotten how to play the guitar. His mental facilities are intact but his motor skills show atrophy.
His family is at his side and reported that he is very despondent. Mick Jagger, lead singer of the Rolling Stones has cancelled the upcoming European Tour. Mick replied, "Keith cannot be replaced so their is no use to carry on."
But not all is lost. While the loss of his musical abilities is certainly a tragedy, the acquisition of a new skill set is very reassuring. His father, Cheeky Richards a former protologist at the Butts institute was very instrumental developing an enzyme that absorbs food in the small intestine, thus eliminating the need for waste removal. The only side affect is that the skin turns a dark brown color and emits an obnoxious odor.
Keith has developed this side affect similar to his Dad and has been said to be pondering several job opportunities but reportedly has accepted the position as the New Copertone Baby. Their new slogan is "The Shine that will knock them Dead".