London - (Ass Press): The fast track canonisation process to declare Pope JP2 a saint took a dramatic twist into unknown territory as UK anti-terror cops asked that all-important celibacy question that the might have slipped the Vatican's mind:
What about Wojtyla's wife and kids in the UK and the alimony payments he made under a court order that divorce lawyers agreed when he was dumped as a adulterous wife-beating drunk who got caught in a Children of God molestors' brothel for crucifying a six year old ahead of attempting to kill her?
"Well, that's the first miracle!" said Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Conman chief honcho of the Cosa Nostra diocese of London.
"Anybody who could work that kind of stunt must be bloody supernatural!"
A second miraculous escape from justice concerns JP2's evasion of Rome prosecutors after the mysterious death of his predecessor Pope JP1 who took an inexplicable overdose of 'homeopathic' arsenic after a mere 30 days in office rather than disagree with the Curia that the Cardinal of Warsaw, Karol Wojtyla, face child molestor charges in London and elsewhere.
And a third miraculous Houdini-like escape from due process of the law focuses on the unexplained death of God's Banker Roberto Calvi who rather than testify in London against Wojtyla's robbing the Vatican Bank of $400million, suicided himself with the aid of a hari-kiri strangulation technique as demonstrated to him under London Bridge by George Walker Bush.
"Details, details!" said a Pontifical Office spokesman ahead of this week's official Easter Bunny Girl Parade in the Via Dolorosa which will culminate in Pope Ratzinger's televised Rapture.
But internet spread betting index Aintgottaprayer.com is tempting backers with odds of a juicy 2/1FAV that Satan himself will come and get Ratzinger on Good Friday and force him to testify before Rome prosecutors about the whole unsavory business.