Written by queen mudder
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Virgin (Sexual)

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

image for 41-Year-Old Virgin Spends $40 to Find a Mate
"The first problem was the stigmata"

London - (ReUterus & Ass Press): There comes a time in every virgin's life to consider her hormones and survival of the species.

And now a 41 year old North London virgo intacta has appeared on UK TV telling her story of how she went from being a facially unremarkable 41 year old unwed spinster to...well, a facially remarkable 41 year old unwed spinster.

In a documentary to be broadcast during Holy Week, the unsullied British psychology lecturer tells how she had to spend over $40 during the last decade to make her face as impressive as her personality in order to find a husband.

"The first problem was the stigmata," her story begins. "Each time I saw a bloke I fancied getting my hands on they would start to itch and bleed like in the Vatican.

"Another problem was I had a plain, boorish, Old Testament kind of face like the mother in Monty Python's Life of Bryan.

"I didn't feel ugly but every body else did. When I went out I felt invisible and insignificant after chums recommended I cover myself from head to toe with one of those jilbab thinggies with just a slit left open for the eyes.

"When I thought about it more, I came to the conclusion that people looked past me - there was nothing about my face to hold their interest.

"I then realized that although I had developed my chat-up line I hadn't developed my appearance," she continued.

The mysterious lady then began her quest for physical perfection by getting some beauty tips from the back of a cornflakes packet, including $10 worth of permanent makeup tattooed on her face saying "I want a husband!"

She then followed it up with two nose jobs where the tatoos say "Look no zits!"

But the piece de resistance was the unexpected addition of a dimple in the left cheek of her buttock after accidentally sitting down on a nail at McDonalds.

Despite all this, the lady says "I am still a virgin."

"I am not ashamed to admit it, it's simply because I haven't yet shagged Mr. Right."

The programme ends with the lady's vital statistics, phone number, email and London address.

Make queen mudder's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 plus 5?

3 6 8 10
52 readers are online right now!

Go to top