London - (ReUterus & Ass Press): There comes a time in every virgin's life to consider her hormones and survival of the species.
And now a 41 year old North London virgo intacta has appeared on UK TV telling her story of how she went from being a facially unremarkable 41 year old unwed spinster to...well, a facially remarkable 41 year old unwed spinster.
In a documentary to be broadcast during Holy Week, the unsullied British psychology lecturer tells how she had to spend over $40 during the last decade to make her face as impressive as her personality in order to find a husband.
"The first problem was the stigmata," her story begins. "Each time I saw a bloke I fancied getting my hands on they would start to itch and bleed like in the Vatican.
"Another problem was I had a plain, boorish, Old Testament kind of face like the mother in Monty Python's Life of Bryan.
"I didn't feel ugly but every body else did. When I went out I felt invisible and insignificant after chums recommended I cover myself from head to toe with one of those jilbab thinggies with just a slit left open for the eyes.
"When I thought about it more, I came to the conclusion that people looked past me - there was nothing about my face to hold their interest.
"I then realized that although I had developed my chat-up line I hadn't developed my appearance," she continued.
The mysterious lady then began her quest for physical perfection by getting some beauty tips from the back of a cornflakes packet, including $10 worth of permanent makeup tattooed on her face saying "I want a husband!"
She then followed it up with two nose jobs where the tatoos say "Look no zits!"
But the piece de resistance was the unexpected addition of a dimple in the left cheek of her buttock after accidentally sitting down on a nail at McDonalds.
Despite all this, the lady says "I am still a virgin."
"I am not ashamed to admit it, it's simply because I haven't yet shagged Mr. Right."
The programme ends with the lady's vital statistics, phone number, email and London address.