Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 3 April 2007

image for Bob Woolmer Mystery - Police To Use New System Of Crime Detection
A bit like this, but with balls

Police hunting the killer of Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer say they will use a new system of Crime Detection to arrest someone by Saturday evening - even if it isn't the person who committed the heinous act.

The new system, which operates along the same lines as the National Lottery, selects 6 suspects from a possible 49, using a giant machine shaped like a bobby's helmet.

Different machines and sets of balls are used each week, for example, "Guinevere" and "set of balls number 5". These are selected by a guest member of the criminal fraternity, who acts as an independent adjudicator.

The 49 balls, or 'suspects', are loaded into the machine, and the Arrestmaster gives the go-ahead for the 'investigation' to begin. After that, it's a tense, nail-biting time for England's finest crims, as they wait to see if their number comes up.
For good measure, a bonus number is chosen, just in case any of the previous six lucky suspects are out on a job when the Police call round.

A Police spokesman said:

"We've had a lot of success with this system over the years. The 'Birmingham 6' were arrested using the method, and, although the machine broke down during the draw, the 'Guildford 4' were also brought to book."

The company that provides the equipment for the draws, Nickelot, says the system is 99% foolproof.

Mike Gamble, of Nickelot, said:

"It's almost infallible. The chances of being wrongfully arrested by the Police using this system are much better than with the Camelot Lottery, where the odds are about 14 million to one."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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