Recent newcomer to England, East European Pincha Knifenfork had unwelcome visitors to his nether region after a night with a woman he picked up at a dockside pub, "The Haddock and Rupture"
Some days later he thought he had found the perfect cure in his local supermarket
Whilst wandering around ASDA, scratching himself madly as the little pest chomped away at his bits and pieces he spotted and purchased a jar of sandwich spread. Stopping only to ask at the customer services desk what was the best way to apply the savoury filling, he was told by a puzzled assistant "With a knife of course". Pincha then hurried home to slap on a thick coat of what he assumed would be the magic potion to kill off his uninvited dinner guests.
Several days later and the invaders had not departed from his dangly bits and to make matters worse, they had been joined by a swarm of flies attracted by the rotting sandwich spread he had plastered all over his groin. When his friends could no longer stand the pungent smell of the slowly cooking meat product baking away in his greasy boxers and the constant buzz of the insect infestation they demanded he went to the doctors and get the problem sorted properly.
In the doctor's surgery he showed the GP his now encrusted tackle. My God, said the bewildered Doc, just what have you been putting on your family jewels to cure your infection?
Ahh said Pincha Knifenfork, I have it with me. I got it from ASDA. It should have worked perfectly, look what it says on the jar, "Best Quality Crab Paste"