The President of the EU Commission, Colonel von Klinkerhoffen, has admitted what members of UKIP have suspected for years, but that no-one else had taken seriously. Today, he made the shock announcement that the EU has for many years been a cover for a secret plan to conquer the world.
"Ve tried during ze 1940s, but I think Hitler vent a leetle too far and put some people off ze whole idea. So ve have been spending ze last fifty years trying to do ze same thing but vithout using ze weapons. It's all true, and only the UKIP are intelligent enough to realise this, those clever little Englanders. Ve must crush them."
The President also promised that not only will the pound be abolished, and the pint replaced by the litre, but also a whole wave of new measures will be introduced to ensure that the UK complies with the new order.
- All British men over the age of 18 will be forced to wear a beret and a string of garlic;
Tea will be declared an illegal substance;
The national anthem will be changed to Deutschland Deutschland Uber Alles;
There will be a Europe-wide football team, with token players from each member country (a single UK player will be rotated between England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland);
Dad's Army will be banned;
Everyone will have to speak French or German in public.
"Honestly, it's really true!" said von Klinkerhoffen, as he was shushed by his EU cronies.