As the Government outlined new proposals to combat bullying in schools, one headmaster of a prestigious Grammar School in Scotland stood alone in defending, what he called, "the noble art".
Principal Philip, of the Edinburgh Grammar School for Bullies, spoke out at the National Federation of Tyrannical Teachers Conference in Glasgow yesterday, and said that bullying was a national treasure that needed to be preserved and protected.
"Oor establishment is one of the last bastions of bigotry and bullying, a beacon shining brright in the gloom of opportunity and fairr play", he said, paraphrasing Billy Burns the drunken Scottish waxer.
"There's nuthen wrong with a bit o' bullyen" he went on. "Toughens the lads up. Makes men of 'em - even the gerrells!"
Princ. Philip is not to be confused with Prince Philip, the famous Royal Husband and Bullyist, who was educated by Greeks. Phil the Geek, or HRH the Duke of Edtheball, his official title, is a staunch supporter of bullying and intimidation, and still has people 'fagging' for him today.
Another speaker at the conference, Deacon Genghis Mason-Robertson, of the Glasgow Handshake School of Headbutting, told delegates that he didn't much care if pupils were bullied either physically or verbally, had dinner money stolen, or if other kinds of coercion, intimidation, punishment and murder were in operation.
So long as the school song, the traditional Hampden Park football favourite, "Your Gonna Get Your F*ckin Head Kicked In", was sung with gusto by pupils and staff alike, he said, everything was "just dandy".
"We like a good sing-song before we go to oor woruk. If the song's good, we're Happy at the Handshake!"