London - (Assinine Press): The mastermind behind London Mayor Ken Livingstone's congestion charge, former CIA man Bob Kiley, has told a press conference he dreads sobriety and the inevitable day when he finally wakes up to face the monstrosity he has imposed on six million Londoners.
"But while I'm still earning £3,200 a day talking a load of old bollox as a London Assembly Transport Committee consultant I can afford to drink my arse off.
"So the congestion charge stays and so does Livingstone."
Kiley admitted being thrown out of the CIA for his legendary boozing that kept KGB double agent Aldrich Ames gainfully employed despite mounting Agency suspicions against him.
"And then I had this masterstroke to stop them firing me! I told them to rename Langley - the CIA headquarters - as the President George Herbert Bush Center for Intelligence.
"And it worked, and got me another five full years, fully pensionable, before an honorable discharge on health and compassionate grounds. Piece of cake!"
Kiley's cosy London sinecure also includes a £3 million grace-and-favor Georgian townhouse in London's Belgravia and lifetime honorary membership of Oddbins.