SEXY dancer Amy Priory told of the moment her friends told her that even though he was in a different room she might have been groped by the right and proper and not gay in any way unelected heir to the British throne, Prince William. The 16-year-old recalled: "I was a little bit tipsy but felt myself brushing his big strong hand. I thought it couldn't be the enormous hand of the future king of England because he was in another room, but now I've seen an unbelievable picture that shows his handsome god-like frame towering over me, and he had his hand right on my boob. It's a miracle, and a sign."
Amy, studying INDUSTRIAL DECLINE IN BRITAIN AFTER THE EMPIRE, went to Slaughtered nightclub in Bournemouth, Dorset, to get drunk as a skunk and bang a prince.
Ageless Wills is a seventeen foot tall Prince, and was on his twenty-fourth pint of Crème-de-menthe with Household Guards on his first night off since starting a war in Iraq.
Amy said: "William was in another room playing boring military marches, so we went to look. He was marching up and down like a toy soldier, and a bit wooden like his dad. I don't think he'd be any good in the sack but who cares."
Last night a right royal toff said Wills wouldn't have to grovel to girlfriend Kate Middleton, 25, when they meet this weekend because they're not like ordinary people, they don't function like we do, they're royal. Then he told The Spoof reporter to "bog orf".