After a painstaking investigation into the cruel murder of Pakistan's long-suffering Bob Woolmer, The Spoof can reveal that in the run-up to the ill-fated World Cup, Woolmer did not visit the Liverpool base of the alleged snooker match-fixing cartel operator, the well-respected Ronnie 'Needle' O'Sullivan, or any other vindictive piggy-eyed organised crime gangs operating out of Liverpool that issue death threats. No, The Spoof can reveal that this leaves us with only one other whipping boy when it comes to murder and throat-slashing, the hook-headed Muslim fundamentalists. For it is they who took away our Saint, the future saviour of English cricket. How we all miss Bob the Rock now that the fascistic, black-bearded Islamic terrorists have taken him away and chopped him down simply for refusing to grow a beard.
The Pakistani cricket code states that cricketers must grow a beard to at least the size of a cricket ball. We say long beards in cricket are wrong-headed and interfere with umpiring decisions. But in Islamic law, the cricketer is protected. They claim that in today's society cricketers are being exploited, and openly used in advertising alcohol. We say bollocks to that, and long live Saint Freddie Flintstone, our finest hearty drinking sailor-boy round-the-bay yachtsman.