London - (Rotters): EU trade commssioner and former Blairite rent boy Peter Mandelson has told the press he won't challenge Gordon Brown in a leadership contest, won't stand for another term in Brussels in 2009 and has blamed the shifting sands under Number 10 for the decision.
"If Brown gets his snout in the big trough, it would be curtains for me anyway. So I'm joining Goldman Sax on £5 million a year and yah boo sucks to all you bastards.
"Anyway, as everybody knows, as UK Prime Monster you are at the heart of a spying web, a Bush Family criminal network of sicko national, continental, international espionage matrices which you have to sustain.
"This requires a great deal of personal attention and bombing.
"It requires time, effort, and capacity to tell massive prime time whoppers.
"That takes decades of grooming and a gargoyle wife with an electronic cattle prod to remind you of who's boss.
"If you're daft enough to think you can influence people in Europe all on your own, the US embassy merely ups the medication.
"Why do you think we have a Thames Water ring main around London? Purification of supplies or mainlining SSRI's?
"Bottom lines is as UK Prime Mobster you have to bring a sense of European criminal convictions to the argument that you are making.
"For all those reasons I'm quitting while 30 points ahead and a whopping great publishing deal for my ministerial memoirs."
Lord Levy is apoplectic.