Written by Rob the Casbah
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Topics: Nature, Winter

Thursday, 22 March 2007

image for Nature arrested on suspected murder charges
Kill them all!

In a pre dawn raid by a special seasonal police unit, Nature was cuffed and taken down to the police station on suspicion of murdering several thousand daffodils.

It is alleged that Nature made a secret pact with Spring and Winter, and got them to cross over for a week. This tricked the daffodils into coming out early, only for Nature to cruelly bring back winter and kill them.

Nature denies the charges, in a statement released through its lawyer, Autumn, it said: "I never meant to hurt anyone, it was only a bit of a laugh. I never thought this would happen."

Winter and Spring have also been implemented in the bid to defraud the yellow flowers. However they cannot be held fully accountable as they have a combined IQ of 14 and severe learning difficulties. Winter has been in and out of trouble for the past few years, it is reported that it feels a deep seated resentment towards other, warmer seasons, and is frequently out of work, and has reportedly been seen "moping around town drinking cider and that", for several months of the year.

Having suffered the loss of their national symbol, Wales has agreed not to recognise Winter and Spring. Welsh Prime Minister Shakin Stevens said: "We the people of the valleys, no longer recognise the presence of those 2 seasons. From now on we will have Summer, Autumn, Coldyness, and Warmitude. We would do away with Nature all together for what its done, however my entire record collection is made up of Naughty by Nature, and I fear I would be cutting off my nose to spite my attractive face."

Stevens has been charged with the task of finding a new national symbol for his countrymen, early suggestions are that Ruth Maddock will be frozen and placed in a museum for the whole country to go and visit.

While Nature is currently out of action, it is believed that it's position will be filled by the Devil. A source close to Satan said: "It's a shame that he will have to take over in these circumstances, and he's sure that the charges will prove to be false. Although it's his chance to right a few wrongs he's done over the last few millennia, he sees himself as more of a stop gap. He'll just be keeping the seat warm so to speak."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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