London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Not content with having banned traditional bonfire night fireworks celebrations on North London's Primrose Hill five years ago on the spurious grounds of susceptibility to terrorism attacks, the Royal Parks Agency has now banned the annual Druids' spring equinox procession this week after local wags promised to burn a straw effigy of Camilla 'to remove the hex of humbuggery she planted on our hillock."
While such an immolation would not have been a strictly traditional Vernal Equinox event, it would nevertheless have satisfied assorted pagan purists who are still reeling at the bad karma and polluted energy left by the old Hellfire Club slapper after she and Charles, Pretender to the Throne, sullied nearby Regent's Park 18 months ago by opening a ridiculous tacky booze shack known as The Hub.
"Our Mayan counterparts had to cleanse their sacred sanctuary in Guatemala last week after George Bush's polluting visit", said one irate North London local.
"We proposed a similar event interpreting the Rite of Spring Banishing Ritual that would have got rid of the sicko vibes left behind by that fag-hag weirdo. But somebody at the Parks agency is out to get us.
"We think it might be the slime-busting guys who zap the Diana Fountain from spreading syphylis in Hyde Park."
Now a local Wiccan coven is threatening to crash this week's Primrose Hill ceremony boycott and add their own pyrotechnic effigies:
"We've got a Cherry Blair, an Anne Coulter, the Pope's own fag-hag Sister Ingrid Stampa and, for the purists, Heather Mills."
The Rite of Spring will be performed on Wednesday 21 March.