London - (Ass Press): New rules governing the exercising of dogs in public come into force on Monday 12 March which will see a new canine congestion charge imposed on Central London.
Mayor Ken Livingstone has created a General Belgrano-esque twelve mile exclusion zone around the Capital in which dogs will only be allowed on payment of a daily £10 fee.
All animals must be registered and microchipped with an unique canine ID which will be tracked using the latest Sat-Nav technology carried by the MoD's new Skynet 5 satellite.
Any dogs found wandering the streets without the right papers will be impounded immediately and sent to China for re-cycling.
Ditto any dog on the London streets after midnight which is to be the start of a daily six hour curfew designed to reclaim the night for non-canines, especially cats.
Guide dogs for the blind will be automatically eligible for a 50% refund if they can prove to be working wholly and exclusively for totally blind people.
And not just bolshy, workshy, partially-sighted, congenitally lazy, dumb-ass charge-dodgers like Mr Dave Blenkinsop of Flat 3, 55 The Acacias, Tunbridge Wells, Kent. Or his younger brother Kevin, of no fixed abode.
Police dogs, guard dogs and specialist sniffing canines used by the army in bomb disposal work will carry an exemption just as long as they don't make a mess with the City's pavements during the course of their duties.
Professional dog walkers will also require microchipping to qualify for an attendance allowance under the multiple canines exercising scheme which will allow dogs to go about their personal business, free of charge, directly into drains situated on Central London's Bus Lanes.
Any dog that misses will be given an on the spot fine of £10.
An extension of the National Gardens Scheme will also see London residents being able to participate in an unique project to open up their back yards in a fixed fee scheme for the Capital's canines to use in emergencies such as bouts of tummy bug or cystisis.
But the jewels in London's crown - the parks and public gardens - will be able to charge according to a market forces sliding scale for providing canine relief facilities such as lamp posts or children's sandpits or tourists' pickincking areas.
So the bottom line, for instance, for a large Alsatian taking a crap in one of the Royal Parks - eg. St James's - could be anything up to £25. But a smaller pooch, say a Shitzu, just taking a leak on the edge of the wildfowl lake in Regent's Park could be anything in the region of 50p to £1.
The scheme will be unveiled by the Mayor on Monday in a ribbon-cutting ceremony outside Battersea Dogs Home.