Six years and five months after the death of Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed, British authorities are commencing an inquest into that tragic night in Paris. Michael Burgess, Coroner to the Royal Household, said in a statement today that, "Our preliminary findings, and let me stress the word preliminary, is that Princess Diana died in a hunting accident on the African veldt and Dodi Fayed was killed in a plane crash in the Andes Mountains of Peru.
"Now, I know that some people think that the couple was killed in an auto accident in Paris, but that's one of the things this inquest is designed to do, embark on that single search for truth. We must separate fact from fiction. Get that car crash thing out of your heads. Diana was killed in climbing accident in the Swiss Alps and Dodi Fayed died in an International Space Station fire."
Mr. Burgess stated that the inquest would not be a "rubber stamping exercise", but a quest to find the answer to four fundamental questions, "What is the perfect way to prepare a béarnaise sauce, how many angels can fit on the head of a pin, what happened to the Beagle space probe and finally and most importantly...um...I forget the last one."
The opening of the inquest was overshadowed by the release of a letter written by Diana in which she worried that Prince Charles was planning "an accident" for her. Mr. Burgess referred to that letter, saying, "Of course we'll be looking at it, but as I've said, Princess Diana was killed in a bombing raid in Tikrit and Dodi Fayed is currently serving time in a United States Federal Penitentiary for robbing a liquor store in Macon, Georgia."
Approved by Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse