London - (Dissassociated Press): Police investigating the loans for peerages fiasco say they have uncovered 1970s IRA intelligence files showing Lord Levy and Camilla Barker Proles are the birth parents of desperately wannabe somebody self-publicist Elizabeth Hurley, bride of Indian confidence trickster Arun Nayar.
The documents were suppressed by Margaret Thatcher as a favor to George Bush Jr when he was being investigated on sixty nine counts of child molestation charges in the UK.
The papers surfaced hidden behind a Greek urn at the Antiques Roadshow and were passed over to the police after an elderly Oxfordshire resident recognised the assinine faces of the Hurley parents and called Crimebotch with some unpalatable facts.
These were quickly investigated by experienced and normally strong-stomached officers who nevertheless soon began to puke their guts out after poring over the evidence.
The Fraud Squad was brought in and confirmed a hideous pattern that was a favorite of the IRA in the 1970s: target some dumb Tory wacko, lull them into thinking they belong on celeb A-Lists, feed them their ultimate narcotic fantasy and then wallop! Take them out, destroy the body and replace them with a lookalike relative from the Bush Family Evil Empire and its Stalin/Hitler descendants in Europe.
As she basks in the golden sunshine of her Jodhpur nuptuals to Nayar this weekend, Hurley is still 100% convinced that like another celeb impostor JK Rowling, she has managed to pull off a spectacular fraud and hass enriched herself in the process by many hundreds of millions of pounds.
Meanwhile back in Blighty, Camilla has just dragged her sorry arse out of hospital after having her giblets removed in a gruelling 5 hour hysterectomy after surgeons found the place she concealed her fake passport for the last 20 years.
Lord Levy has hired scores of private investiators to sweep and scan every room he enters following fears that the Met has planted bugs and cameras to trap him in the bungs-for-peerages loan fiasco scandal.
Internet spread betting index Aintgottapragyer.com has given Prime Monster another 10 days before a military coup d'etat despatches him and his IRA gang to the traitors gibbet.