Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Michael Jackson

Thursday, 8 March 2007

image for Jackson/Turlington pachyderm arousal at £75,000 pa
Massaging this beast's prostate gland might prove a challenge

London Zoo - (ReUterus): A world renowned wildlife expert Dr Thomas Hildebrandt receives a salary of £75,000 per annum for a (largely hand) job that entails manual arousal of elephants and rhinos.

"It's hard work but I think I'm worth it", Dr Hildebrandt has told the BBC in a documentary about his ground-breaking work trying to get two US elephants living 1,200 miles apart to become parents.

The male, called Michael Jackson, has been coaxed for the last six months to produce enough semen sample to artifically impregnate the lovely Christy Turlington female elephant.

"Actually it's a very scientific process involving first massaging Michael Jackson's prostate gland in order to stimulate the testes.

"Colleagues are always ribbing me that I'm forever up Jackson's ass but hey! What the hell, they're not paid as much as I am.

"Anyway, my zoo-issue rubber gloves reach tight up to the armpits which is just about the right distance needed to find the prostate, and involves overcoming several kilos of obstacles in the form of impacted faecal matter. That's probably not that much different from real life!

"Of course all this can be immensely rewarding because as soon as Jackson gets aroused, it's off with the gloves and on with the French maid's outfit and the KY jelly.

"This way I get him to ejaculate up to 300ml of semen per orgasm - about the same amount as a can of Red Bull - which we then send by the zoo's air ambulance to Christy Turlington."

In the documentary Hildebrandt warns viewers that the glamorous job also has its downside because when a bull elephant is aroused it can sometimes lash out at humans with its engorged phallus, which in the case of Michael Jackson measures some 1.5 metres.

"Zoo visitors often laugh when they find out the elephant's name. But the last laugh is always on us as we repeatedly point out because the Michael Jackson that he is named after is the retired UK army general, and not the mincing little pansy pretending to be a black singer who lives in the United States."

The documentary is scheduled for viewing later this month.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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