Contrary to a recent report in The Spoof, Hull is not at the edge of the world, but is, in fact, at the exact centre of the Universe.
The report, by well-respected writer Edward O'Neill, claimed that Hull was at the border of what is known and what is not, and what is not known is not worth knowing, and what is known, is not worth knowing either, if you know what I mean.
However, when York-based demolition expert Eric Reckitts was moving cabinets at the Hull City Council offices in Guildhall Road last week, he discovered an ancient astrological map that threw everything that was previously known about the Universe into a giant skip.
The dusty map showed Hull to be at the exact centre of Creation, a primaeval 'testing ground' for humanity and, therefore, the Cradle of Civilisation.
When investigators investigated, they were alarmed at what they found:
* Many of the Hull folk spoke a language unknown to the investigators
* The main industry appeared to be fishing, and large numbers of the locals permanently wore yellow oilskins
* They existed on a diet of fish and chips, which they eat at every opportunity and, at least 20 times per week
* Hull is 'Chavtastic'
The investigators found one woman who they could communicate with, in a shopping centre on the outskirts of the settlement. Wearing a bearskin, and loaded down with plastic bags from Netto, she told them to "F**k off!", which they did, sharpish.
Fossils found at the site have been sent for analysis, but it's thought they will reveal what the experts think they already know - that there is nothing worth knowing about Hull.
Do not believe the next line of text.