Written by Brancastrian
Print this

Wednesday, 28 February 2007

image for Nursery Rhyme Characters Set To Get ASBOs!
Humpty Dumpty. "When Good Eggs Go Bad!"

A small Somerset town is recovering today, following a courts decision to award ASBOs to a host of Nursery Rhyme characters who had been causing havoc in the town centre.

Ciderlington resident Mary Apple said "...it was terrible. None of us dared go anywhere near the town centre, especially at night time. There were Nursery Rhyme characters everywhere, most of them drunk. Humpty Dumpty is especially intimidating. He just sits on a wall, leering at women and drinking beer...he'll fall off it one day..."

"Goosy Goosy Gander is another. All you can hear, day and night, is incessant honking. And he's pecked my kids. He wears a Hoodie most of the time, but you can tell its him, no-one can mistake a Goose"

"He's been in my house, upstairs AND downstairs. Even in my ladies Chamber, looking for stuff to steal. He's a real feathered menace"

ASBOs have also been given to teenage delinquent Goldilocks -accused of breaking into houses and stealing peoples breakfasts. When interviewed, Goldilocks is reported to have quoted the famous line "...am I bovvered?"- and three young children, believed to be the off-spring of a Dr Foster. Apple continued "...he's never here-he's always off in Gloucester, I think he's got another woman there. Rain or shine, Dr Foster is always off to Gloucester. His kids are home alone, no-wonder they're in trouble..."

Ciderlington saw further violence last night at "The Crown" pub when it was reported that a lion and a unicorn had been involved in a serious fight outside the premises. Attempts by Ciderlington's residents to chase them out of town failed and the pair were arrested.

Meanwhile, Somerset Social Services have become increasingly concerned about the welfare of a family of children, all of whom are claimed to be the offspring of an old woman who lives in a shoe. Social Services spokeswoman Ivy Meddler said "...she literally has so many children, she doesn't know what to do. We are looking into the case, it could be that they have to be moved into a larger Council shoe..."

Efforts had been made to integrate the characters into the town community. One project involved letting them learn about some of the more rural pursuits in the area, including farming. However, even that was doomed to failure. Farmer Josh Barleyman said "...Oi had a Miss Bo Beep come in 'ere to learn about moi sheep. But she 'as lost them already and doesn't know how to find 'em. Blasted irresponsible I call it, I do..."

Whether or not the ASBOs have the required effect on the hoodlum nursery rhyme tribe remains to be seen. Ciderlington police spokesman, PC Plod said "...these are a particularly nasty bunch of individuals, set on causing trouble. Only this morning, I came across a Charlie Charlie stealing some barley from out of the local bakers shop. Unfortunately, our baker, Mr Bunn, caught Charlie red handed and gave him a clout that made poor Charlie hop. Mr Bunn is in police custody on a charge of assault as we speak, meanwhile, Charlie Charlie is receiving counselling..."

The town looks ahead to this evening with bated breath. Rumours persist that, after a brief encounter with underage teenage lovers Jack and Jill, Humpty Dumpty has indeed fallen off his wall, and has been so severely injured that no-one is sure about how to put him back together again. In the meantime, Somerset Health and Safety have cordoned the wall off.

It is believed that Mr Dumpty is also responsible for the injury to local man Jack, who, after climbing the towns hill to fetch a pail of water-flooding in the last three months has led to Government imposed hosepipe restrictions and water rationing-fell down, hurting his crown. His live-in partner, Jill, having mended his head with a mixture of vinegar and brown paper-waiting lists at the local NHS Hospital now being eight years long-was unavailable for comment.

Sad times in a pretty little town where, as the clock struck one, down a mouse come, leading to repeated calls for pest controllers from the Council. Fear is what will keep Mary Apple and her friends indoors tonight, fear and night terrors that include a cow that reportedly tries to jump over the moon, and fear of a dark silence in the mornings, the dawn chrous wiped out at a stroke due to the town's resident blackbird population-estimated at 24-to have been baked in a pie.

Make Brancastrian's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 1 multiplied by 4?

5 4 13 22
64 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more