MUMBLE:Jade Goody arrived here in India last night to a tumultuous welcome from a 500,000 crowd at Kapil Dev International airport. One man rushed forward with a spear, but was restrained by security guards who told him that, only if the spear had a silver tip, would it be able to penetrate the beast's shell.
The ex-Celebrity Big Brother housemate is on a peacemaking mission to win the hearts and minds of the people she laid so enthusiastically into, only a few weeks ago.
Then, she called Indians "uncivilised", and said they "reek", but these things paled into insignificance when compared to the slating she gave Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty.
The international furore that followed the racist bullying meted out to Shetty by Goody and her two henchthings, Lloyd Danielle and Joseph O'Mira, focused Jade's mind, and that's why she has come to apologise to the Indians.
Good intentions are, however, rarely good enough.
Never having been to the Indian nation before, Goody immediately showed her ignorance by greeting the Indian Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh with "How?" and asked to be shown the Little Big Horn.
Sachin Tendulkar, a local historian, expressed disbelief that the BB slug was so ill-informed about India, when he said:
" She told me that she was surprised to see us "wearing tops", and said she thought we all rode horses and carried axes."
On a tour of the city, Goody asked "Where are the wigwams?", and after only an hour in India, told her guide that she wanted to return home to Essex.
The final nail in the coffin, was when Dr Singh tried to explain the complicated caste system to her. Astonishment came over her face, which gave way to bewilderment, contempt and then outrage.
"That's bollocks", she said, "You're all as low as eachuvva, intcha?"