"People in this country are crying out for a Conservative Party that is decent, reasonable, sensible, common sense and in it for the long term of this country and that is the party we are going to build."
Above, the words of David Cameron as he celebrated seeing off 56 year old David Davis in assuming the role of Conservative Party leader. The Old Etonian, an MP for only four years, said the Tories must change and be in tune with today's Britain with a "modern compassionate Conservatism".
Speaking at a press conference in London this morning he stated, quite frankly, that this victory was simply "a preamble to election success." Cameron is promising to lead the Conservatives under the banner of: Education As A Must.
"Education has always been our number one priority," explained Cameron, "and we feel that the current government has taken too lenient a position on the subject. If elected I can promise that caning and corporal punishment will be thoroughly encouraged and rewarded in primary, secondary and grammar schools across the nation."
Shockingly retrograde, draconian measures have been a staple of conservative think-tanks for decades now - sure - but Cameron's next revelation shocked even the bluest right-wingers in the crowd:
"Truancy rates are our biggest concern. It is our intention to mandate the execution of any child found to have an absence rate of greater than 15%. Public execution of the truants will be streamed, via webcams, and played at school morning assemblies until the message hits home. I think it's the only sensible way to tackle the issue."
Onlooker and Cameron supporter Michael Ancram told The Spoof:
"Good for David... taking the 'iron rod' approach isn't easy but, listen, I regularly threaten my children with execution and they've turned out okay..."