Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 26 February 2007

image for Cigarette Smokers Adjust Their Smoking Levels
Non-smokers are on the offensive

Smokers throughout Britain have been changing their ways in preparation for the new law that prohibits smoking in public places from July 1st.

The government announced the change last year after incessant nagging from non-smokers, and in response to health chiefs, who say that treatment of smoking-related illness costs the taxpayer more than £560billion a year, which is almost as much as David Beckham earns.

Delegates at a 'Stop Smoking' Conference held every ten years in North Shields, spoke out against what they called, "the most unsociable practice there is, apart from smashing your grandma in the face with a ball hammer".

John Fagbreath, 48, from Leeds, said:

"It's filthy. I'm really ashamed of myself. I'm going to cut down, by half, my horrendous 300-a-day habit."

Another candidate for a premature death, 94-year-old Violet Fagbreath, no relation, addressed the congregation thusly:

"I know I'm a dirty, smelly old lady, and I realise that I've got to stop smoking if I'm going to live to a ripe old age. I'm going to give up completely when I get to 100."

After the meeting had been stubbed-out, Ashley Lungtar, 12, wept openly as he told reporters that he was wracked with guilt over the dangers of 'passive smoking'.

"It's come to my attention that other people don't particularly care for the by-product of my disgusting practices. I'm now going to show more consideration towards others. 'Passive smoking' is a real threat. From this point on, I'm never going to 'pass on' another cigarette, especially on a bus, or to penniless tramps in railway stations."

Tobacco companies have already started to adjust their production of cigarettes, and will continue to do so in the run-up to July 1st.
Early-Deaths-R-Us, who manufacture Killers, Deathstick Deluxe and Annihilators, have laid off a cleaner in Inverness and three Quality Control Technicians at their factory in Belfast.

The company's MD Robbie O'Diction said:

"As smoking is forced back into the home, we may struggle to keep up with the increased demand in cigarettes."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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