It's been leaked today that dramatic changes in the way crime is to be reported to the Police by members of the general public, will be set in place by July 1st 2007
The reforms will include the 999 emergency service number being replaced by the premium rate 0900 666 number, connecting to a fully manned call centre in Dhaka, Bangladesh at the cost of only £1.50 per minute.
Insiders told us that not only will the new service be able to offer emergency assistance, but it will also be able to sell the caller improved mobile phone deals, car insurance and Everest double glazing.
The centre will also be fitted with technology to carry out checks on the actual callers themselves, ensuring they are up to date on their Council tax, car tax and TV licence payments, and in all cases prosecute those found to be in default.
For reporting less serious crimes, such as shop lifting, burglary, car theft, non fatal stabbings / shootings and pub fights involving the working class and generally stupid.
The public will be obliged to submit an application form to their local Police authority, kindly requesting an investigation.
The application forms will be downloadable via the internet at www.copcopout.com, and can be e-mailed to your local Police authority for a "level of Importance" assessment.
Successful applications will be investigated within 6 months of the crime, with the applicant receiving an "I told the law and law won" coffee mug upon successful prosecution.
A source from the "Left handed Gay Police officers Association" told us earlier today "These reforms will save the Police millions of pounds in lost man hours standing at the front desk listening to old ladies banging on about lost purses and injured dogs. This will allow us to get involved in REAL Policing and keep the Police station a public-fee zone"