Written by Ed Parnell
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Tuesday, 20 February 2007

image for Bernard Matthews off cannibals menus
Off the menu

The popular meal Bernard Matthews has been withdrawn from the Birds Eye Cannibal Feast range of meals after concerns that Bernards were not being kept in hygienic conditions.

The traditional meal, popular with many indigenous tribes in Africa, Asia and Essex, has seen a drop off since television pictures revealed Mr Mathews being pecked by seagulls whilst left in an open container in a warehouse. But the factory has received several warnings after meat hygiene inspectors discovered a Mr Mathews masturbating over a picture of Gemma Atkinson in a car park.

"It's ludicrous to assume we are keeping our Bernards in anything other than prime conditions" said a spokesman "Every Bernard enjoys a multi-million dollar lifestyle, with helicopters and fast cars and a mansion, before being slaughtered and packaged".

The meals affected are Bernard Savoury Fingers, Sausage a la Bernard, Rump et la fat bastard and the 12" cannibal meat feast.

A spokesman told us to point out "We assure our customers that the Bernard Matthews meals remain some of the best in the marketplace. delicious and wholesome and full of vitamins and proteins. And if you do happen to die after eating one, it's probably down to something you did in a previous life or gun crime."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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