London - (Ass Mess): Rupert Murdoch's cookie division Fox's Biscuits has voted Kate Middleton the top English fag hag to grab tabloid headlines in its annual list of worst dressed old slappers feigning relationships with wannabe heterosexual boyfriends.
Welsh singer Charlotte Church was voted runner up and Catherine Zeta Jones gained a credible fifth for sheer gutsy determination in her marriage to Michael Douglas.
Middleton may have won because of her peaches and scream complexion and underhand fashion sense.
Faux Biscuits polled over 1,000 myopic morons to find their top tawdry old slapper and say that in their sample survey most men preferred women "who had never undergone surgery" -such appendectomy, tonsillectomy, C-section or wisdom tooth removal.
A spokesman for the company said: "These findings prove how easy it is to promote crappy cholestrol-laden cookies by drawing attention to some really sly self-publicists in the pay of the UK Hellfire Club."
Rupert Murdoch is 75.