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Friday, 16 February 2007

image for Alex Ferguson, "I've been living a lie."
Sir Alex Ferguson at this morning's press conference.

Manchester United's ruddy faced supremo, Sir Alex Ferguson today stunned journalists at United's famous Carrington training ground, by declaring to waiting reporters that he had a major announcement to make regarding his well documented Scottishness.

In a voice reminiscent of one you may hear in any Surrey village, the purple faced legend began by saying, "Now, listen here chaps, there's something I've been wanting to get off my chest for a devil of a long time now, as you may well be aware from the countless media interviews and endless angry tirades I've subjected you to over the years, that a prounounced Glaswegian brougue has been detectable, which may have led many in the media and indeed the country to the false assumption that I was, well, how can one put it, of the Scottish persuasion.
So I eventually decided early last week after consulting with my family and closest friends, to come clean about this whole terrible misunderstanding and state categorically before you all here today that I am actually a proud Englishman."

These astounding revelations by the United manager drew audible gasps from the assembled hacks, who immediately began to pepper the "Scots" legend with questions.

Sir Alex refused to answer questions at that time and continued with his prepared statement. "Now chaps, I know this has come as quite surprise, and I do realise I've bowled you somewhat of a googly with this one, but you have to realise that as a young manager making one's way in the game, it was deemed necessary to have, what one may call an advantageous background and at that time, when one was taking his first footsteps upon the Whisky laden path to immortality and football greatness, one was heavily influenced by the Scottish masters, Shankly, Stein et al.

It was never my intention to keep up this appalling charade but things kind of snowballed and left me on quite a sticky wicket, I'm so terribly, terribly sorry."

With this Sir Alex was whisked away by United's PR and security people into a waiting vintage Rolls Royce and taken to unknown and undisclosed location, believed to be somewhere in the home counties.

After the shock news announcement the board of Manchester United PLC issued the following statement:


The board of Manchester United PLC is both shocked and saddened by the announcement made earlier today by it's manager, Sir Alex Ferguson. we would like to reiterate and reassure the fans of Manchester United PLC, that we knew nothing of the managers deception or indeed of his decision to come out of the closet, so to speak.

We would also like to assure fans that the board will investigate this matter and come to a quick and just resolution, not only for the club but also for Sir Alex and his family.

We are also keen to remind fans that the Manchester United super mega store's opening times will not affected by this current crisis and that the new Manchester United PLC home kit can still be bought for a fantastic introductory one off price of £65.oo.


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