The wife of Prince Charles, Jamelia Barker-Powles, is to go into hospital to have treatment on her haemorrhoids, Palace sources have said.
The Duchess of Cornflakes will undergo the delicate treatment next month at the notorious St Agnes-in-the-Saddle Rectal Clinic in Berkshire, under the watchful eye of family physician, Dr Theo Morell, and is expected to remain there until at least 2010.
Haemorrhoids, or excruciating piles, can be extremely painful, especially when One spends much of One's time sitting around on One's arse. The Duchess is thought to have a particularly severe case of piles, some of which are as big as golf balls.
The Prince, never afraid of getting his hands dirty, has applied much ointment to the Royal starfish, but to no avail.
Dr Morell, speaking from the bunker at Highgrove, said "Ve'll haf zem off quicker zan you can say Stalingrad, mein Fuhrer!"
The Duchess, 75, has had some bad luck recently, having had sixteen teeth removed from her mouth due to a lack of space.