Police have predicted an imminent drug epidemic to rival the good old heroin proliferation of the 80's made popular by Zammo. Chief Constable for Greater Manchester Police Mike Todd claimed: "It's some of the best gear I've ever had. It's better than crack!"
The new addictive narcotic known as "Zip" comes in crystal form and can be directly absorbed into the central nervous system through the scalp, a process known as "shampooing". Little is yet known about this dangerous new drug, I spoke to 'The Professor': "In its highly addictive freebase form Zip or Cerebro Crystalline Hydrase can be dissolved in ether to give almost 97% absorption, which by narcotic standards is real value for money." He went on to say early tests have shown that Zip is obtained from the cerebrospinal fluid found deep in the brain of the clever, raising the spectre of a load of clever dicks being murdered and their brains harvested.
This man whose identity I cannot reveal became addicted to Zip just by hearing about it: "When you hit it, its like you get everything. You can do all sums and that, then when its gone, its like you don't get everything." When I asked him if it was indeed better than crack he said "I don't know, I've never tried crack" I said fair enough.
The effects last for such a short time, "Zippies" are going through the drug at an alarming rate. The time taken for a Zippy to reach their peak subjective high is so quick they could actually go back in time. The effects vary depending on quality potency. One man 'shampooed' a Nobel prize winning physicist and was found in a house by neighbours screaming "Geoffrey!! Geoffrey!!"
The main problem concerning the police is that while the murder of our intellectual elite is still illegal, Zip isn't. A confused and stuttering Tony Blair spoke at a press conference earlier:
"While we cannot arrest those found to be distributing the drug they will be made to take it themselves. If they like it, they are not a witch?"
I caught up with Conservative Leader and drug expert, David Cameron who had this to say: "Better than Crack? ***k off!"
Zip dealers have already devised an instant quiz to determine the level of intelligence of potential victims bombarding them in the street with quickfire questions before kidnapping them. Greater Manchester Police are urging anyone with an IQ above 130 to "try to act stupid".
Phil Cihlar on drugs