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Saturday, 10 February 2007

image for Britney Spears/Luciano Pavarotti Duet in Stockhausen; Ends in Disaster as Tenor's Ringpiece Collapses
Dorctors battle to save Pavarotti's ringpiece

An experimental piece by composer, Karlheinz Stockhausen was branded as 'shit' yesterday and forced to close after only one night.

Stockhausen achieved notoriety as the chief exponent of 'genital music', using bodily functions such as passing wind to create sonic landscapes.

His last project, entitled 'Dream of the Flowering Lotus No. 5' involved Kylie Minogue breaking wind into a series of differently sized jam jars.

His new opera pushed the boundaries of this ground breaking work by teaming Lucianno Pavarotti and Britney Spears together and the composer had promised that the sound of Spears' vaginal whistling, combined with the full bodied, throaty roar of a Pavarotti chuff would create a new musical genre.

The production however was besieged with setbacks, amid rumours of musical differences between the stars and Spears suffering a case of badly chapped vaginal lips.

On opening night, the packed auditorium was kept waiting for 45 minutes with reports circulating that Luciano was suffering stomach cramps after a dodgy prawn sandwich.

At 9.45pm however, the curtain rose to reveal Spears and Pavarotti lying on the stage with their legs splayed.

As the music began, Spears pushed a simple, haunting aria through her quivering vaginal lips and the hall filled with the delicate bird-like twitterings of a world class fanny-soprano .

As Spears aria continued to climb, Pavarotti's velvety farting wove simple lines of melody into the musical tapestry creating a wonderous, blanket of sound.

As the pace of the music increased, however, it became obvious that Pavarotti was fading and, as he attempted a high C during the climax of act one, his ringpiece collapsed and the first 8 rows of London's Barbican theatre were horrifically splattered with poo.

Mr Pavarotti was immediately rushed to St Guys hospital in London where surgeons are battling to save his tattered ringpiece.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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