A man from Liverpool was in hiding today claiming that he is on the hit-list of Teletubby, Tinky Winky, and that he's dead meat if the loveable furry tri-angle headed kiddies favourite catches up with him.
He told our crime correspondent, Nick Ross:
"I suppose it's my own fault. I was operating as a runner for them; you know? Smuggling vats of tubby custard through customs and that.
I got a bit greedy and started skimming some off the top for myself. I don't know what's in tha stuff but the kids can't geh enough of ihh.
Anyhow Lala got to hear about it. He's a right vicious bastard that one I can tell you. He smacked me around a bit then told me he was gonna grass me up to Tinky Winky.
Compared to Lala Winky's a fuchhing nutter likhh. I was told to get out of town and not come back. I'm noh stupihh likhh and know when to quit"
A spokesman for the loveable weirdoes commented: