Farm labourer, Bob Knobend, had the shock of his life when he awoke in a Cornish barley field, after a marathon three day drinking binge, to find that crop circles had been etched onto his head by visitors from a distant galaxy.
The youth realised that he had been visited by aliens during his drunken slumber and that they had used his head to leave a strange, pan-galactic message which, Bob believes, could be a map left to guide mankind to a far off planet.
"I neva felt a fing," said the plucky turnip shoveller, "I jus' woke up an' me 'ed wuz cold, an' I 'ad a sore bum. I fink the aliums 'ave choosed me to be the leader of a nu breed of super'umans wot should go into space in one of 'em space scuttles."
Knobend claims that, in addition to the extraordinary markings, he was anally probed by the aliens and subjected to horrific experiments.
However, police investigating the incident are sceptical of his story and one told us, "Knobend is forever getting himself into scrapes like this......it's much more likely that somebody shaved his head and then bummed him while he was unconscious. Although, to be fair, he's always been a bit of a spaceman"